Journals3
Newest
Why I Shoot Less Often
1 min read
There is a problem here; i am using an old Canon EOS 350D and sooner or later, the shutter motor is going to give. So of course, not being the rich person most people are, i started to shoot less often, and learned to shoot in RAW so that i can make adjustments using Digital Photo Professional (not so advanced as Adobe Photoshop, but it's got all the things you can do with the camera in it). I do hope you like them, though. Watch out for more (am now trying to learn how to use Adobe Photoshop Lightroom 4). <3
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
In President Aquino's inauguration, he emphasized on his champagne on uniting the Filipino people. Today, the Philippines is more divided than ever! Perhaps if we drew a line that divided the Philippines in half, we'd be exactly like Korea. Not in the way that there is a poor and a rich side; rather, in the way that they hate each other so much that both sides would kill anyone who literally crosses the line. So what is this "line" that divides us Filipinos? That is an easy question. And the answer to that would be the issues brought upon by the Catholic church (North) trying to be a part of the government (South), telling them not to pass certain bills. These things wouldn't be issues really if they just passed it or not. It's just how the North side makes such a hype about it. But why are they trying to make such a hype about it in the first place?
Number one would be because they're afraid that people would start giving them the cold shoulder. How could I say such a thing? Example would be the Reproductive Health Bill. According to the North side, abortion is against their deity's orders. Which in the first place, the Reproductive Health Bill does not give a shit about abortion. It is simply a stunt to avoid the sperm from fertilizing the egg. Without fertilization, then there is no fetus. With no fetus, how the fuck would abortion take place? Might as well call masturbation as abortion too. In the South side, it would solve the problem of overpopulation (which is pretty much annoying everyone from economists to ecologists and environmentalists) which was branded as the 'root of all problems'. I agree. About 5 billion people ago, the Earth had a swell oxygen supply, and anyone could breathe. 5 billion people later, people had to wear masks just so they won't inhale the pestilence. If I was God for a day, I'd take 5 billion people's lives. The 1 billion left would be people who can actually make a change in the world (you know, educated people who have skills and talents to share). But that's just me. Anyway, going back, the North and South side are showing pretty good points. The North side pointing out how disappointed their deity would be if such bill would be passed. The South pointing out what filth our small country has with so much people. And in actuation, this place is a dump. I would be glad to have been born somewhere else. I would love to be born in France. At least there, people had open minds. At least in France, there is no North and South side. Going to the title of this…thing, blog, essay, or whatever you call it, what does free will have to do with it? First, would be how free will divides the people. If everyone thought of the same thing, no matter which pole they go with, then there won't be an argument. Free will tells one person "The RH Bill is a good thing! Vote yes!", while it tells the other person "No! Jesus will smite you down with lightning if you pass it!" Although I do understand the North's point as to why free will is evil. While free will exists, people has the ability to do whatever they want. But whatever people wants, the North doesn't want. Apparently, not everyone cares for what their deity has to say. And apparently, some people has a DIFFERENT deity. These people are those directly affected (East), and the neutral people who doesn't care about anything (West). The North always fights for what they think is right; nothing bad there, except they fail to recognize that the South, East, and West CAN have a different opinion. If there wasn't free will, there won't be such thing as a different opinion. Free will is an enemy to both sides. How could you rule over free-thinking ants? You can't tell ants to go North or South. Some might go North, some goes South, some goes East, some goes West. That's free will.
Oh, I remembered a lot of people pointing out that countries like the US and Canada are now poor because of the RH Bill. The US was poor because of the RH Bill. That is so false. They've spiraled down because of their mentality of 'buying now, paying later'. Everyone was in debt they cannot afford to pay for. And because of this debt, the US cannot collect the money they need, the money that had been lost to those people who promised to pay and cannot really pay. The US economy is feeling only now the effects of its practices. You won't feel the effects overnight, you know. Canada is a bit tricky. Canada is not poor. They're not a 3rd world country. If ever they downgraded from a 1st world country, they'd be like 2.5th world country-ish. They're not poor. Compared to the Philippines, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Africa, and all that crap. "What about Australia? They've got so much land and so little people! Why would you pass the bill there?" My answer would be the bill is not a need to them. They can pass it, fine. What would be the difference? As if people over there already needs a condom to cease reproduction. It already seems as though people over there prefer to masturbate than to have sex. But then again, who cares? Australia is a rich nation. I'd dare anyone to tell me they're as poor as the Philippines. Another solid country who's passed the RH Bill and is a bloody behemoth: the United Kingdom. Look at them! Pounds are equivalent to an average of 7o Philippine Pesos? Does the United Kingdom look poor? I'd dare anyone to tell me they are. And don't anyone of you say that they are morally poor, because we are talking about the tangible effects of the bill. Morally poor or not, the UK can afford to send its children to school and to college. They can afford it so well that it's mandatory. And they use a lot of Pills and Condoms. But no, the RH Bill is still wrong. If you're having a hard time feed your children and sending them to school, then you're on the right track. The North knows everything there is to know about having children! They are virgins after all.
Another example of the things dividing the Philippines: Same-sex marriage. The North says it is against their deity's will (seems as though they've got nothing else to say). The South says they have the right to do what they want. Those who are actually affected by this same-sex marriage thing are of course on the South side. But who are they? What do they know? All they do is go against the North's teachings. So why pass something against the North's teachings? The North is always right, you know. What they think is right IS right. The East, West, and South know nothing. They're idiots. They're people who cannot think for themselves and needs the North. The North is their North Star. They have free will, and this free will makes them stupid. That's what I would say if I was the North. If I were the South, East, and West, I'd say I have the right to do the thing I think is right. I won't harm anyone if I marry another guy. I could get AIDS, but again, who the hell cares? As if the world will end when I die. At least if I die, I died from my own fault, NOT SOMEBODY ELSE'S. That's what free will does. In addition to this, I'm a very TOLERANT person. Being tolerant and being fair, I would say that, "EW! WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE TWO GUYS IN THE SHOWER?!" See how tolerant I am? I love and respect all kinds of people. And I respect the fact that people should be able to do what they feel is right, without someone nagging them that what they think is wrong and what THEY think is right. I respect the fact that people can't all be the same and also the fact that everyone has the right to love anyone they choose. That is why same-sex marriage is just so wrong. If free will was just a myth, homosexuals, bisexuals, and transverse types would see things the "right" way; the North's way. The Church's way.
Two issues only?! Only two issues could divide the Philippines? Leaping Lizards, that's scary! But wait, there's more!!! Devorce! A new hype. The North says it's against their deity's will (again). The South answers with a question: "How about those who married the people they thought they loved? Was it their fault that their husbands or wives wants them dead?" Hey, people change. A lot more than you can even imagine. Imagine if this happened to you: when you were both starting out on the relationship, he was sweet, he was respectful, he was everything you wanted. She was kind, she was caring, she loved you with all her heart. When you were engaged, he was so in love with you that he doesn't have to think twice before slipping that engagement ring in your finger. Same with her. She didn't hesitate to say 'yes', and her love was as strong as a castle. In the early years of your lives, you both were happy. But then like clothes, people's colors change (or true colors show) after some time. He starts to drink and hit you and your children. He starts keeping money to himself. She starts going out all night partying at the cougar clubs. She starts to care only of your money. Then eventually, you can't settle things like this anymore because it's gone so out of hand that you're beginning to think that the person you married was abducted by aliens and was replaced by a replica. Suddenly, you don't know who the fuck is walking through your bedroom door. Think of the children, says the North. Everyone is thinking of the children! Even in the South! But what if the man starts to be abusive? He harms the children as well as the woman? What if the same with the woman? What happens to the child? He endures his mother and father's screaming and shouting, punching and pushing? Poor child! But then again, trust the North Star! They're in the North! They know everything! They know what's best for children! They know that a mother and father fighting in one house would be better for the child than having the child live with his mother or father without the other half. They know what's best for the child; they don't have children!
Having three issues like this, free will isn't doing any good at all. People are so divided, thanks to the North's "correcting the South's actions and telling them how to do their jobs as if they weren't educated people". If there was no free will, the North could easily take the South's throne without competition. The government needs the people's support as much as the Church. Because without the people, who would they serve? But really, everything they do is for the people. And they debate each other, looking at the picture from one angle to another. Before they come to a conclusion, they always need to answer questions like "Would it be better for the country's economy (a country is nothing without an economy. Just look at Africa)? Would it make the people safe? Would it harm this group if we give in to this group's request?" They're always so hooked to the people and what's best for the people. People in the Church, however, asks only one thing: "What do you think God means when He said that?" Like we all say, no one has the 'right' interpretation. No interpretation can be more correct than the person who wrote it. But hey, they didn't write it! That means they interpreted it right. And they know everything the people needs and wants: after all, it's not the people who put them there. If only there weren't such a thing as free will. Why won't people just go with the flow? ALL of the people are Christians anyway. EVERYONE is entitled to think and fight for themselves: which is why this world is so fucked up. Everyone telling you to 'tread a new path' should be shot.
By the way, President Noynoy Aquino is shit! He promised to unite the people! How can he not unite the Filipinos when the Catholic Church is helping him by dividing people in issues like these? The Catholic Church is always there to "help" him in his endeavors. WITHOUT the Catholic Church ranting about the RH Bill or the Divorce Bill or the Same-Sex Marriage Law, the people would be so DIVIDED!
Number one would be because they're afraid that people would start giving them the cold shoulder. How could I say such a thing? Example would be the Reproductive Health Bill. According to the North side, abortion is against their deity's orders. Which in the first place, the Reproductive Health Bill does not give a shit about abortion. It is simply a stunt to avoid the sperm from fertilizing the egg. Without fertilization, then there is no fetus. With no fetus, how the fuck would abortion take place? Might as well call masturbation as abortion too. In the South side, it would solve the problem of overpopulation (which is pretty much annoying everyone from economists to ecologists and environmentalists) which was branded as the 'root of all problems'. I agree. About 5 billion people ago, the Earth had a swell oxygen supply, and anyone could breathe. 5 billion people later, people had to wear masks just so they won't inhale the pestilence. If I was God for a day, I'd take 5 billion people's lives. The 1 billion left would be people who can actually make a change in the world (you know, educated people who have skills and talents to share). But that's just me. Anyway, going back, the North and South side are showing pretty good points. The North side pointing out how disappointed their deity would be if such bill would be passed. The South pointing out what filth our small country has with so much people. And in actuation, this place is a dump. I would be glad to have been born somewhere else. I would love to be born in France. At least there, people had open minds. At least in France, there is no North and South side. Going to the title of this…thing, blog, essay, or whatever you call it, what does free will have to do with it? First, would be how free will divides the people. If everyone thought of the same thing, no matter which pole they go with, then there won't be an argument. Free will tells one person "The RH Bill is a good thing! Vote yes!", while it tells the other person "No! Jesus will smite you down with lightning if you pass it!" Although I do understand the North's point as to why free will is evil. While free will exists, people has the ability to do whatever they want. But whatever people wants, the North doesn't want. Apparently, not everyone cares for what their deity has to say. And apparently, some people has a DIFFERENT deity. These people are those directly affected (East), and the neutral people who doesn't care about anything (West). The North always fights for what they think is right; nothing bad there, except they fail to recognize that the South, East, and West CAN have a different opinion. If there wasn't free will, there won't be such thing as a different opinion. Free will is an enemy to both sides. How could you rule over free-thinking ants? You can't tell ants to go North or South. Some might go North, some goes South, some goes East, some goes West. That's free will.
Oh, I remembered a lot of people pointing out that countries like the US and Canada are now poor because of the RH Bill. The US was poor because of the RH Bill. That is so false. They've spiraled down because of their mentality of 'buying now, paying later'. Everyone was in debt they cannot afford to pay for. And because of this debt, the US cannot collect the money they need, the money that had been lost to those people who promised to pay and cannot really pay. The US economy is feeling only now the effects of its practices. You won't feel the effects overnight, you know. Canada is a bit tricky. Canada is not poor. They're not a 3rd world country. If ever they downgraded from a 1st world country, they'd be like 2.5th world country-ish. They're not poor. Compared to the Philippines, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Africa, and all that crap. "What about Australia? They've got so much land and so little people! Why would you pass the bill there?" My answer would be the bill is not a need to them. They can pass it, fine. What would be the difference? As if people over there already needs a condom to cease reproduction. It already seems as though people over there prefer to masturbate than to have sex. But then again, who cares? Australia is a rich nation. I'd dare anyone to tell me they're as poor as the Philippines. Another solid country who's passed the RH Bill and is a bloody behemoth: the United Kingdom. Look at them! Pounds are equivalent to an average of 7o Philippine Pesos? Does the United Kingdom look poor? I'd dare anyone to tell me they are. And don't anyone of you say that they are morally poor, because we are talking about the tangible effects of the bill. Morally poor or not, the UK can afford to send its children to school and to college. They can afford it so well that it's mandatory. And they use a lot of Pills and Condoms. But no, the RH Bill is still wrong. If you're having a hard time feed your children and sending them to school, then you're on the right track. The North knows everything there is to know about having children! They are virgins after all.
Another example of the things dividing the Philippines: Same-sex marriage. The North says it is against their deity's will (seems as though they've got nothing else to say). The South says they have the right to do what they want. Those who are actually affected by this same-sex marriage thing are of course on the South side. But who are they? What do they know? All they do is go against the North's teachings. So why pass something against the North's teachings? The North is always right, you know. What they think is right IS right. The East, West, and South know nothing. They're idiots. They're people who cannot think for themselves and needs the North. The North is their North Star. They have free will, and this free will makes them stupid. That's what I would say if I was the North. If I were the South, East, and West, I'd say I have the right to do the thing I think is right. I won't harm anyone if I marry another guy. I could get AIDS, but again, who the hell cares? As if the world will end when I die. At least if I die, I died from my own fault, NOT SOMEBODY ELSE'S. That's what free will does. In addition to this, I'm a very TOLERANT person. Being tolerant and being fair, I would say that, "EW! WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE TWO GUYS IN THE SHOWER?!" See how tolerant I am? I love and respect all kinds of people. And I respect the fact that people should be able to do what they feel is right, without someone nagging them that what they think is wrong and what THEY think is right. I respect the fact that people can't all be the same and also the fact that everyone has the right to love anyone they choose. That is why same-sex marriage is just so wrong. If free will was just a myth, homosexuals, bisexuals, and transverse types would see things the "right" way; the North's way. The Church's way.
Two issues only?! Only two issues could divide the Philippines? Leaping Lizards, that's scary! But wait, there's more!!! Devorce! A new hype. The North says it's against their deity's will (again). The South answers with a question: "How about those who married the people they thought they loved? Was it their fault that their husbands or wives wants them dead?" Hey, people change. A lot more than you can even imagine. Imagine if this happened to you: when you were both starting out on the relationship, he was sweet, he was respectful, he was everything you wanted. She was kind, she was caring, she loved you with all her heart. When you were engaged, he was so in love with you that he doesn't have to think twice before slipping that engagement ring in your finger. Same with her. She didn't hesitate to say 'yes', and her love was as strong as a castle. In the early years of your lives, you both were happy. But then like clothes, people's colors change (or true colors show) after some time. He starts to drink and hit you and your children. He starts keeping money to himself. She starts going out all night partying at the cougar clubs. She starts to care only of your money. Then eventually, you can't settle things like this anymore because it's gone so out of hand that you're beginning to think that the person you married was abducted by aliens and was replaced by a replica. Suddenly, you don't know who the fuck is walking through your bedroom door. Think of the children, says the North. Everyone is thinking of the children! Even in the South! But what if the man starts to be abusive? He harms the children as well as the woman? What if the same with the woman? What happens to the child? He endures his mother and father's screaming and shouting, punching and pushing? Poor child! But then again, trust the North Star! They're in the North! They know everything! They know what's best for children! They know that a mother and father fighting in one house would be better for the child than having the child live with his mother or father without the other half. They know what's best for the child; they don't have children!
Having three issues like this, free will isn't doing any good at all. People are so divided, thanks to the North's "correcting the South's actions and telling them how to do their jobs as if they weren't educated people". If there was no free will, the North could easily take the South's throne without competition. The government needs the people's support as much as the Church. Because without the people, who would they serve? But really, everything they do is for the people. And they debate each other, looking at the picture from one angle to another. Before they come to a conclusion, they always need to answer questions like "Would it be better for the country's economy (a country is nothing without an economy. Just look at Africa)? Would it make the people safe? Would it harm this group if we give in to this group's request?" They're always so hooked to the people and what's best for the people. People in the Church, however, asks only one thing: "What do you think God means when He said that?" Like we all say, no one has the 'right' interpretation. No interpretation can be more correct than the person who wrote it. But hey, they didn't write it! That means they interpreted it right. And they know everything the people needs and wants: after all, it's not the people who put them there. If only there weren't such a thing as free will. Why won't people just go with the flow? ALL of the people are Christians anyway. EVERYONE is entitled to think and fight for themselves: which is why this world is so fucked up. Everyone telling you to 'tread a new path' should be shot.
By the way, President Noynoy Aquino is shit! He promised to unite the people! How can he not unite the Filipinos when the Catholic Church is helping him by dividing people in issues like these? The Catholic Church is always there to "help" him in his endeavors. WITHOUT the Catholic Church ranting about the RH Bill or the Divorce Bill or the Same-Sex Marriage Law, the people would be so DIVIDED!
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
WHAT I DIDN'T DO IN SEOUL (A Divine Comedy)
Inferno:
Quite an adventure it was from May 8th to 9th. The moment I set foot on the terminal of Seoul's airport, I checked my phone and found quite a disturbing text message from the Santadio's Padre de Pamilya; "Beatrizzia is at the hospital." Having lost a dear (and perhaps most beloved and treasured) friend before, I feared the worst. Immediately, I excused myself from my companions and went to the counter… "I need to get on the first plane out to Manila." But unfortunately, due to bad weather, I had to wait for what seemed to be forever.
Back in Manila, just like 4 hours back. Anxiously, I waited for my luggage to arrive, but it just won't show itself to me. I thought of leaving it behind. And when I was just about to turn around, I saw it. Fearing a dear friend's death is no joke. Waiting for two minutes for your luggage felt like two hours. Twenty minutes in the line for the taxi felt like it was too late.
It was pouring, I'm hungry, cold, worried, and the God-damned radio kept screaming 'traffic' and 'heavy rains'…and the most dreaded of all: "KAILANGAN PA BANG I-MEMORIZE 'YAN?" Truly, it was the worst ride of my life; even worst than throwing up halfway through a rollercoaster ride in Japan.
I was stressed out, until my step mother calmed me down. I was calm. I became optimistic about the situation. Nothing bad (particularly death) would happen. Before long, I felt the car jerk very violently; which never is a good sign in these kinds of situation. 500 meters from the hospital, a drunk driver abruptly collides with the taxi I was on. One phrase screamed in my mind: 'Son of a fucking bitch's bastard son!' 500 meters… heavy luggage… torrential rains… There was only one good thing about that collision: at least my fare was free. I stared out from the cold-transparent window of the badly ravaged taxi (well, bad enough that it can't move), and I heard perhaps the most coincidental sound in my life…
'Into The Mouth Of Hell, We March'
by Trivium
'Shogun' album.
Yes, the song was about facing obstacles. Funny, I had my playlist on shuffle, and that particular song popping out is just ludicrous. Only one thing to do now… INTO THE MOUTH OF HELL, WE MARCH!!!
Soaking wet, gasping for air, shaking knees. These words described exactly how I looked once I entered the lobby. And God's wrath isn't over yet.
"Yes sir?"
"Beatrizzia Amore Santadio?"
"Sir, visiting hours are over."
"Excuse me?"
"Visiting hours are from 9 am to 8 pm, sir. It's 11:30."
"No, no, no. I was in Seoul about 4 hours ago. The moment I got on that terminal, I received a message that she was hospitalized. I got on the first plane to Manila. I wasn't even able to see what it looks like outside Seoul's airport and already I'm on the next flight home. Her father is in Italy, her mother is in Portugal. She's got a stupid guardian. She practically went here alone. I am not a rich kid, so you know how hard it is for me to leave a place I haven't even seen yet; and having to pay for it. All I want is to see her. Di mo naman siya kailangan gisingin, e. Naglakad ako ng halos limang-daang metro sa ilalim ng ** na ulan na 'yan nang may hawak na mabigat na bag. And you won't at least let me see her?!" Yes, my grammar straightens out when I'm upset. Well, almost.
"Sir, rules are 'no visitations outside the visiting hours.' Sir, you're wet, at siguradong pagod na po kayo. Uwi po muna kayo at mag-pahinga. Tapos balik na lang bukas nang umaga. Sasabihin na lang po namin sa kanya na dumaan po kayo galing airport."
"Hindi ako pumunta dito para magpa-impress, ano ba? I came here to see her, at di ako uuwi nang di ko 'yon nagagawa."
"Sir, wala po akong magagawa."
"Yeah, I know. Thanks."
*take note that I wrote down here what I remembered. So hindi exakto, baka kulang.*
Sarcasm, smart-assing: these are the things I am good at. Another thing I'm good at is staying true to my word. I sat there on that lobby, hoping for someone to grow a conscience. And what do you know? It was morning. No one had that kind of thing. Surprising…
Finally, visiting hours! A nurse escorted me to her room. And there, I saw her laying on that hospital bed, smiling; but it still is written in her eyes that she's sick. I've never felt such a strange mixture of pity at her state, glad that she is fine (well, kinda), hungry for not eating anything for the past 20 hours or so, cold for sleeping with wet clothes, and exhausted (even if I just woke up). Of course, that usual hospital scene. I asked her how she was, she was fine. She asked me how I was, I was fine. I told her what happened the night before, and there was only one thing she said; "Idiota! Go rest, now!..." she likes me!
And what she said next was exactly I was waiting for, "…You'll get sick!" YES! SHE SAID IT!!! "Look who's talking," I answered. We laughed at her being smart-assed and about me being a dumb-ass, and… well, that's about it. Then came the silence.
Purgatorio:
She asked me if I remembered what happened when we went to the beach. Of course she was talking about our 3-day relationship!
"Yeah, what about it? Want to make it FOUR?" I replied…of course, jokingly.
"No, how about make it last?" You know how being kicked in the balls feels like right after you let go an annoying remark? You know, that feeling? Oh, right! SILENCED! :-j Tss… Anyway, in that first time, I already explained to her that I loved someone else (HMM, SINO KAYA SI 'SOMEONE ELSE'?
Nakatag siyaaaa…). Her reply to that rattled the very foundations of my soul. And I can't forget what she said…
"When the time comes that she answers your prayers, I will gladly let you go with her without any hard feelings. You'll still always be my best friend."
Her saying that could only mean two things: she could either be mocking me, or she means it… she meant it.i was so moved, and so touched that I succumbed to her proposal. I couldn't refuse after what she just said. Not because I get to keep her pag sinagot MO ako; Besides gravity and transparent adhesive tape, being moved is my next weakness. And shit, was I moved.
Paradiso [?]:
I went home to change at noon time. That way, she could have a little rest. I came back with something a couple can do that is WAY BETTER THAN SEX… bubblewrap. 2m x 3ft of bubble wrap. Jeeeezas, it WAS better than sex! We popped that bubble wrap while reminiscing about how…weird we were when we were children. Like how we had our first kiss (nasugatan ako) in preschool, and how we got married using rings from the round things in the car-keys (na may nakasabit pang susi) as our rings, and how we fought over 'who gets to have purple as his/her favorite color' for a whole school year. There was something about seeing her smile and laugh while she laid there on the hospital bed. It had great impact on me. I had no idea how I felt. That sight was so intriguing. My feelings for her became more eccentric; more complex. It was somewhat like the mixture of pity, happiness, love, inner peace, and serenity. But then again, it brought me shame of my imperfection and at the fact that I gave something special away that I can never get back to give to her; and remorse for my love for her was divided, shared it with SOMEONE ELSE. The feeling was so complex; so chaotic that it kind of felt like a Van Gogh painting. And from that point on, I made a vow to love her more than I could ever love. Even when divided, I promise to give her my whole self. Even if I can't give her that special gift, I promise to give her the greatest gift anyone could give; my time. I promise to give her a person worth the love, and worth the sacrifice that even though she meant for us to be united for a short time; she still went on with it. Almost like lining up on death row. And I have decided that when the time comes that YOU welcome me to your heart, I'd still be faithful to her with a zeal that cannot be reduced not even by time, and the integrity equating to a brick wall against an ant.i love her; even though I cannot give an exact reason as to why. It doesn't matter if she's Italian, or that we will go to college with miles and miles of distance between us. In that moment, reasons did not matter. For love is not something that can be defined. There is no denotation to that word. Love is a matter of the heart; and not of the mind. There is no formula to it, no equation to be discovered. It is a feeling, only felt…
AND THAT'S WHAT I DIDN'T DO IN SEOUL.
Inferno:
Quite an adventure it was from May 8th to 9th. The moment I set foot on the terminal of Seoul's airport, I checked my phone and found quite a disturbing text message from the Santadio's Padre de Pamilya; "Beatrizzia is at the hospital." Having lost a dear (and perhaps most beloved and treasured) friend before, I feared the worst. Immediately, I excused myself from my companions and went to the counter… "I need to get on the first plane out to Manila." But unfortunately, due to bad weather, I had to wait for what seemed to be forever.
Back in Manila, just like 4 hours back. Anxiously, I waited for my luggage to arrive, but it just won't show itself to me. I thought of leaving it behind. And when I was just about to turn around, I saw it. Fearing a dear friend's death is no joke. Waiting for two minutes for your luggage felt like two hours. Twenty minutes in the line for the taxi felt like it was too late.
It was pouring, I'm hungry, cold, worried, and the God-damned radio kept screaming 'traffic' and 'heavy rains'…and the most dreaded of all: "KAILANGAN PA BANG I-MEMORIZE 'YAN?" Truly, it was the worst ride of my life; even worst than throwing up halfway through a rollercoaster ride in Japan.
I was stressed out, until my step mother calmed me down. I was calm. I became optimistic about the situation. Nothing bad (particularly death) would happen. Before long, I felt the car jerk very violently; which never is a good sign in these kinds of situation. 500 meters from the hospital, a drunk driver abruptly collides with the taxi I was on. One phrase screamed in my mind: 'Son of a fucking bitch's bastard son!' 500 meters… heavy luggage… torrential rains… There was only one good thing about that collision: at least my fare was free. I stared out from the cold-transparent window of the badly ravaged taxi (well, bad enough that it can't move), and I heard perhaps the most coincidental sound in my life…
'Into The Mouth Of Hell, We March'
by Trivium
'Shogun' album.
Yes, the song was about facing obstacles. Funny, I had my playlist on shuffle, and that particular song popping out is just ludicrous. Only one thing to do now… INTO THE MOUTH OF HELL, WE MARCH!!!
Soaking wet, gasping for air, shaking knees. These words described exactly how I looked once I entered the lobby. And God's wrath isn't over yet.
"Yes sir?"
"Beatrizzia Amore Santadio?"
"Sir, visiting hours are over."
"Excuse me?"
"Visiting hours are from 9 am to 8 pm, sir. It's 11:30."
"No, no, no. I was in Seoul about 4 hours ago. The moment I got on that terminal, I received a message that she was hospitalized. I got on the first plane to Manila. I wasn't even able to see what it looks like outside Seoul's airport and already I'm on the next flight home. Her father is in Italy, her mother is in Portugal. She's got a stupid guardian. She practically went here alone. I am not a rich kid, so you know how hard it is for me to leave a place I haven't even seen yet; and having to pay for it. All I want is to see her. Di mo naman siya kailangan gisingin, e. Naglakad ako ng halos limang-daang metro sa ilalim ng ** na ulan na 'yan nang may hawak na mabigat na bag. And you won't at least let me see her?!" Yes, my grammar straightens out when I'm upset. Well, almost.
"Sir, rules are 'no visitations outside the visiting hours.' Sir, you're wet, at siguradong pagod na po kayo. Uwi po muna kayo at mag-pahinga. Tapos balik na lang bukas nang umaga. Sasabihin na lang po namin sa kanya na dumaan po kayo galing airport."
"Hindi ako pumunta dito para magpa-impress, ano ba? I came here to see her, at di ako uuwi nang di ko 'yon nagagawa."
"Sir, wala po akong magagawa."
"Yeah, I know. Thanks."
*take note that I wrote down here what I remembered. So hindi exakto, baka kulang.*
Sarcasm, smart-assing: these are the things I am good at. Another thing I'm good at is staying true to my word. I sat there on that lobby, hoping for someone to grow a conscience. And what do you know? It was morning. No one had that kind of thing. Surprising…
Finally, visiting hours! A nurse escorted me to her room. And there, I saw her laying on that hospital bed, smiling; but it still is written in her eyes that she's sick. I've never felt such a strange mixture of pity at her state, glad that she is fine (well, kinda), hungry for not eating anything for the past 20 hours or so, cold for sleeping with wet clothes, and exhausted (even if I just woke up). Of course, that usual hospital scene. I asked her how she was, she was fine. She asked me how I was, I was fine. I told her what happened the night before, and there was only one thing she said; "Idiota! Go rest, now!..." she likes me!
And what she said next was exactly I was waiting for, "…You'll get sick!" YES! SHE SAID IT!!! "Look who's talking," I answered. We laughed at her being smart-assed and about me being a dumb-ass, and… well, that's about it. Then came the silence.Purgatorio:
She asked me if I remembered what happened when we went to the beach. Of course she was talking about our 3-day relationship!
"Yeah, what about it? Want to make it FOUR?" I replied…of course, jokingly.
"No, how about make it last?" You know how being kicked in the balls feels like right after you let go an annoying remark? You know, that feeling? Oh, right! SILENCED! :-j Tss… Anyway, in that first time, I already explained to her that I loved someone else (HMM, SINO KAYA SI 'SOMEONE ELSE'?
Nakatag siyaaaa…). Her reply to that rattled the very foundations of my soul. And I can't forget what she said…"When the time comes that she answers your prayers, I will gladly let you go with her without any hard feelings. You'll still always be my best friend."
Her saying that could only mean two things: she could either be mocking me, or she means it… she meant it.i was so moved, and so touched that I succumbed to her proposal. I couldn't refuse after what she just said. Not because I get to keep her pag sinagot MO ako; Besides gravity and transparent adhesive tape, being moved is my next weakness. And shit, was I moved.
Paradiso [?]:
I went home to change at noon time. That way, she could have a little rest. I came back with something a couple can do that is WAY BETTER THAN SEX… bubblewrap. 2m x 3ft of bubble wrap. Jeeeezas, it WAS better than sex! We popped that bubble wrap while reminiscing about how…weird we were when we were children. Like how we had our first kiss (nasugatan ako) in preschool, and how we got married using rings from the round things in the car-keys (na may nakasabit pang susi) as our rings, and how we fought over 'who gets to have purple as his/her favorite color' for a whole school year. There was something about seeing her smile and laugh while she laid there on the hospital bed. It had great impact on me. I had no idea how I felt. That sight was so intriguing. My feelings for her became more eccentric; more complex. It was somewhat like the mixture of pity, happiness, love, inner peace, and serenity. But then again, it brought me shame of my imperfection and at the fact that I gave something special away that I can never get back to give to her; and remorse for my love for her was divided, shared it with SOMEONE ELSE. The feeling was so complex; so chaotic that it kind of felt like a Van Gogh painting. And from that point on, I made a vow to love her more than I could ever love. Even when divided, I promise to give her my whole self. Even if I can't give her that special gift, I promise to give her the greatest gift anyone could give; my time. I promise to give her a person worth the love, and worth the sacrifice that even though she meant for us to be united for a short time; she still went on with it. Almost like lining up on death row. And I have decided that when the time comes that YOU welcome me to your heart, I'd still be faithful to her with a zeal that cannot be reduced not even by time, and the integrity equating to a brick wall against an ant.i love her; even though I cannot give an exact reason as to why. It doesn't matter if she's Italian, or that we will go to college with miles and miles of distance between us. In that moment, reasons did not matter. For love is not something that can be defined. There is no denotation to that word. Love is a matter of the heart; and not of the mind. There is no formula to it, no equation to be discovered. It is a feeling, only felt…
AND THAT'S WHAT I DIDN'T DO IN SEOUL.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In